So this is basically a conversation in which I get angry at the shrink and then give up on her, debate about quitting therapy and killing myself, and also the fact that she is going to write my book if I die which would basically consist of random conversations with her and this blog.

---

smw
2:17 PM
kk
2:17 PM
so the shrink just responded

darkangel
2:17 PM
ur invisible?

smw
2:17 PM
oh yeah

darkangel
2:17 PM
lol
2:17 PM
what did she say

smw
2:17 PM
"I agree, I don't think that any email response I provide will soothe your frustration, anger or conflicted feelings right now."

darkangel
2:18 PM
lol
2:18 PM
so she essentially just said the same thing shes been saying

smw
2:18 PM
yup
2:18 PM
so it is essentially pointless to talk to her
2:18 PM
oh and then continued with " I encourage you to start writing and I would begin with the theme of abandonment and how this is similar and very different from previous abandonments you've experienced."
2:18 PM
"I think your ambivalence about treatment is understandable and worthy of discussion on Thursday."

darkangel
2:19 PM
lol
2:19 PM
what a bunch of bullshit

smw
2:19 PM
yeah
2:20 PM
God she makes me want to bash my head against the wall
2:20 PM
In a way I really want to strangle myself because other ways of dealing with anger suck

darkangel
2:21 PM
lol

smw
2:22 PM
but that would be "acting out"
2:22 PM
makes me sound like a fucking 2 year old

darkangel
2:22 PM
lol
2:22 PM
i guess

smw
2:23 PM
well she has said before that I shouldn't "act out"

darkangel
2:24 PM
lol, she doesnt know how to deal with you anymore

smw
2:24 PM
pretty much
2:25 PM
she keeps trying to act like nothing has changed but things have majorly changed
2:25 PM
and she is doing a pretty bad job at trying to help me when I am angry

darkangel
2:27 PM
yeah
2:27 PM
like she lost control at the last meeting you guys had before break

smw
2:27 PM
yeah
2:27 PM
I reached her limit and she lost control

darkangel
2:27 PM
yeah

smw
2:27 PM
yet she keeps thinking that it is nothing and that it is healthy to know limits and will make it easier to move forward etc etc etc

darkangel
2:28 PM
lol
2:28 PM
yeah right

smw
2:28 PM
she just keeps ignoring everything I say and telling me to write

darkangel
2:29 PM
that didnt work
2:29 PM
uve tried that before

smw
2:29 PM
I think she is trying to get me to be more dependant on writing and less dependant on talking to her
2:29 PM
I used to write every day in high school
2:29 PM
I have a blog with over 1000 entries of my writing and ranting
2:29 PM
I am sick of writing
2:29 PM
I gave up on it because it doesn't do a whole lot to help, it is just a way of documenting the hell of my life

darkangel
2:30 PM
lol
2:30 PM
yeah
2:30 PM
i know what you mean

smw
2:31 PM
if anything, writing for several years without being able to discuss anything with any other person probably helped me develop a personality disorder

darkangel
2:31 PM
probably

smw
2:32 PM
actually now that I think about it, I used my blog to look at things from a third person prespective
2:32 PM
it was my way of basically being my own shrink because there was absolutely no one I can depend on

darkangel
2:34 PM
lol

smw
2:34 PM
I contradict my own thinking as a way of trying to understand the chaos that is my life

darkangel
2:34 PM
that was health
2:34 PM
y

smw
2:34 PM
it was the only thing I could do
2:34 PM
I was a suicidal minor. if I talked to anyone then they would try to commit me

darkangel
2:35 PM
yeah
2:35 PM
true

smw
2:35 PM
the more I think about it, the more I think having a blog really helped to develop a personality disorder

darkangel
2:37 PM
yeah
2:37 PM
prolly
2:38 PM
you just got used to thinking in multiple ways

smw
2:39 PM
yeah
2:39 PM
plus the whole thing that I could not depend on anyone in the world except myself

darkangel
2:40 PM
yeah
2:40 PM
i started talkin to u when u were in high school
2:40 PM
but you didnt really go into great detail a whole lot

smw
2:40 PM
yeah

darkangel
2:40 PM
like ur senior year

smw
2:41 PM
we didn't start actually talking til college

darkangel
2:41 PM
then i think u just realised that i wasnt gunna say anything so u just started tellin me more

smw
2:41 PM
I remember cuz we didn't talk much at all then I move to NY and we started talking a lot
2:41 PM
so I am reading research from the prof I want to do research with and reading about his past studies
2:41 PM
and in it he says "In contrast, our treatment is not suited for nor effective with individuals who suffer from Borderline Personality
Disorder or other Personality Disorders. People who suffer from personality disorders do not have the cognitive
deficits that respond to cognitive retraining. Their attention seeking and narcissistic behaviors make it difficult for
them to participate in the treatment groups."

darkangel
2:42 PM
lol
2:42 PM
so why are they bothering

smw
2:47 PM
the treatment is using neuropsychological treatments for people with schizphrenia
2:47 PM
not ppl with personality disorders

darkangel
2:48 PM
yeah

smw
2:48 PM
so I have to migrate
2:48 PM
I have this retarded co-op seminar
2:49 PM
so I can qualify for doing co-ops *shoots self*
2:49 PM
it is going to be incredibly boring so I will probably be tlaking to you in a few mins

darkangel
2:49 PM
ok, lol

smw
3:06 PM
so I have returned

darkangel
3:07 PM
wb

smw
3:07 PM
thx
3:07 PM
there aren't very many ppl here
3:07 PM
which sux
3:07 PM
cuz they are actually going to pay attention

darkangel
3:08 PM
lol nice
3:09 PM
ur gunna have fun with that one

smw
3:09 PM
there are only 10 ppl here

darkangel
3:09 PM
LOL

smw
3:09 PM
oh wait, 11

darkangel
3:09 PM
wow
3:09 PM
ooo

smw
3:09 PM
*shoots self*

darkangel
3:09 PM
o.0
3:09 PM
lol

smw
3:09 PM
well most ppl did it during fall
3:09 PM
or winter

darkangel
3:09 PM
ah
3:09 PM
fail.

smw
3:09 PM
I kept forgetting about it

darkangel
3:09 PM
lol
3:10 PM
fail!

smw
3:10 PM
but I have to do it now or they won't count my co-op this summer

darkangel
3:10 PM
lol
3:10 PM
nice
3:10 PM
what about from last summer

smw
3:11 PM
I got an exception from them to count it'
3:11 PM
because I got into Microsoft as a freshman
3:11 PM
and gneerally freshmen don't get co-ops

darkangel
3:13 PM
ah ok
3:13 PM
thats goood
3:13 PM
good*

smw
3:13 PM
so I am special
3:13 PM
lol

darkangel
3:13 PM
lol
3:13 PM
"special*

smw
3:13 PM
lol, shush

darkangel
3:13 PM
"special"*
3:13 PM
lol

smw
3:14 PM
lol
3:14 PM
I am sooo bored
3:14 PM
I have to sit here for 2 hours
3:14 PM
gah

darkangel
3:14 PM
lol
3:14 PM
sounds super fun

smw
3:15 PM
I should work on my application for the research program I want to get into

darkangel
3:15 PM
lol
3:15 PM
you should

smw
3:15 PM
I am going ot
3:15 PM
to*

darkangel
3:16 PM
lol
3:16 PM
mkay
3:30 PM
hows that goin

smw
3:30 PM
boring
3:30 PM
I am revising my essay for the McNair program

darkangel
3:33 PM
nifty
3:33 PM
sounds super exciting

smw
3:33 PM
yay

darkangel
3:34 PM
lol

smw
3:36 PM
want to read it?

darkangel
3:40 PM
sure

smw
3:43 PM
thre
3:44 PM
there*
3:44 PM
its pretty much a bunch of BS

darkangel
3:48 PM
and I feel that research would no only give me invaluable tools but would allow me to find what path would best fit both my interests and talents.
3:48 PM
would "not" only give
3:48 PM
and above that
3:48 PM
For far too much of my life I had to watch my family struggle and felt helpless to do anything as only a child.
3:49 PM
is that end right? or did you mean "as i was only a child"

smw
3:49 PM
yeah
3:49 PM
I'll get rid of that part and just stop it after the word anything

darkangel
3:49 PM
Another way I think my opportunities could increase through the McNair program is through help with making plans for graduate school.
3:49 PM
?
3:50 PM
I have always wanted to go to college but never really thought about what level of degree I planned on getting.....that could be worded better "degree to get"

smw
3:50 PM
what is wrong with the first sentence
3:50 PM
?

darkangel
3:51 PM
is through help with making plans for graduate school.
3:51 PM
that part is awkard

smw
3:51 PM
oh yeah

darkangel
3:51 PM
lol

smw
3:51 PM
to help

darkangel
3:52 PM
enjoy participating in there various network
3:52 PM
lol "their"

smw
3:53 PM
where is that?

darkangel
3:53 PM
second to last paragraph
3:53 PM
i think bachelor's is capitalized
3:54 PM
because its a title

smw
3:54 PM
ok

darkangel
3:56 PM
I have minimally explored the graduate programs available here at RIT including the Applied Experimental and Engineering Psychology program but have not done any extensive research on my opportunities for higher level education.
3:56 PM
i wouldnt say that. i would say that "i have explored....but would like more information and experience with"
3:56 PM
but other than that, sounds good

smw
3:58 PM
ok, cool

darkangel
3:59 PM
mhm

smw
4:05 PM
I have minimally explored the graduate programs available here at RIT including the Applied Experimental and Engineering Psychology program but would like the opportunity to further research all available opportunities for higher level education.

darkangel
4:08 PM
i wouldnt use the word minimally tho
4:09 PM
cuz that just makes it sound like you havent really done a whole lot

smw
4:10 PM
just say "I have explorered"

darkangel
4:11 PM
yeah
4:11 PM
lol
4:11 PM
explored*

smw
4:11 PM
lol
4:11 PM
yeah

darkangel
4:12 PM
lol
4:27 PM
so hows the class goin

smw
4:29 PM
meh
4:29 PM
boring
4:29 PM
but we have decided that since we have gone through the stuff so fast that we are going to do both classes in 1 so we don't have to come back next week

darkangel
4:30 PM
sweet

smw
4:31 PM
yeah
4:31 PM
at least the lady isn't horrible
4:31 PM
she realizes that we aren't extremely interested

darkangel
4:38 PM
yeah

smw
4:38 PM
lol
4:38 PM
blah

darkangel
4:39 PM
blah indeed

smw
4:44 PM
she is like "my poor kids, they have to live with me, you guys only have to deal with me for 2 hours"

darkangel
4:45 PM
lol
4:45 PM
wow

smw
4:45 PM
yeah
4:45 PM
so she isn't too horrible

darkangel
4:47 PM
thats good
4:47 PM
at least she doesnt drone

smw
4:47 PM
she does to some extent
4:47 PM
but isn't too bad
5:48 PM
BK
5:48 PM
BK

darkangel
5:49 PM
wb

smw
5:49 PM
so my shrink is seriously making me suicidal
5:50 PM
I just spent a half hour sitting outside freezing waiting for my roommate and progessively got more angry and wanted to hurt myself more

darkangel
5:51 PM
lol
5:51 PM
so what are you gunna do

smw
5:51 PM
idk right now
5:51 PM
my roommate just got news that her nerve problems in her hands aren't going to heal and she has to have surgery
5:52 PM
so she is all upset and I kinda need to be there for her
5:52 PM
and I have the whole rule right now where I am not allowed to just choke myself
5:53 PM
so if I were to do it I would basically have to kill myself

darkangel
5:53 PM
that really sucks

smw
5:53 PM
or face her and have to do a "higher level of treatment" which would become mandatory and that would suck

darkangel
5:53 PM
so whats going on with her hands

smw
5:54 PM
there is like a weird separation with her nerves (idk what its called) but she has been in a lot of pain whcih sux cuz she is a graphic designer
5:54 PM
and she has been doing physical therapy for the past couple months to try to help it
5:55 PM
and she went in today to see if the physical therapy was helpng or if she would need to get surgery

darkangel
5:55 PM
huh, that sucks
5:55 PM
what caused it?

smw
5:55 PM
its a genetic thing

darkangel
5:57 PM
ah ok
5:57 PM
that sucks

smw
5:57 PM
yeah
5:58 PM
so I am getting really angry with the whole shrink thing
5:59 PM
because right now there are rules that I must follow that prevent me from doing anything
5:59 PM
but those rules only apply if I am alive
5:59 PM
so if I choose to break them then I pretty much choose to die
5:59 PM
but one of the rules I have had for years is that I can't kill myself because of someone else
5:59 PM
or out of anger

darkangel
6:00 PM
yeah
6:00 PM
lol, sounds like uve got quite the dilemma

smw3740
6:04 PM
basically I really really want to die but I have rules that say I can't
6:05 PM
so I have to choose to keep "fighting to live" or break the rules meaning I basically means I am required to die because I am not willing to do hospitalization

darkangel
6:07 PM
lol
6:08 PM
or you could figure out another reason for it

smw
6:08 PM
another reason for what?

darkangel
6:08 PM
pushing it

smw
6:08 PM
I am not allowed to push it tho
6:08 PM
that is technically the rule
6:09 PM
so technically I am allowed to choke myself but I am not allowed to push it to the point of passing out

darkangel
6:09 PM
well yeah, according to the rules set up by the shrink

smw
6:10 PM
I know
6:11 PM
but if I break her rule then I either have to stop seeing her or just kill myself
6:11 PM
and if I stop seeing her then I probably have to stop taking meds
6:11 PM
so I might as well just kill myself

darkangel
6:11 PM
well, my guess is that if you broke the rule you prolly would kill urself anyways

smw
6:11 PM
yeah
6:12 PM
that is the idea

darkangel
6:12 PM
lol

smw
6:12 PM
cuz once I broke the rule there would be no point anymore

xxdarkangelzz
6:12 PM
so you wouldnt have to think about whether or not u would have to stop seeing her

smw
6:13 PM
yeah, well that is the alternative if I don't just kill myself right then but that would pretty much mean hell then death so I might as well just die quickly

darkangel
6:14 PM
lol
6:14 PM
true
6:14 PM
so what are you gunna do

smw
6:15 PM
right now I am not doing anything
6:15 PM
probably won't tonight just cuz of my roommate

darkangel
6:15 PM
lol yeah
6:15 PM
and you dont see her till thursday
6:16 PM
did you reply to her email

smw
6:16 PM
no
6:16 PM
there is no point
6:16 PM
I literally told her that I felt that she didn't even care anymore and she completely ignored it and said that we would talk on Thursday

darkangel
6:16 PM
lol yeah
6:16 PM
yeah
6:16 PM
i noticed
6:16 PM
thats what shes been doing

smw
6:16 PM
yeah

darkangel
6:17 PM
did you guys even resolve anything when u met?

smw
6:17 PM
=not really

darkangel
6:17 PM
then what the hell was the point

smw
6:22 PM
she basically told me that I was taking on too much responsibility, and we discussed her vision for the future, and then she tried to convince me to not hate myself as much
6:22 PM
basically all of it was completely pointless
6:22 PM
after 2 weeks
6:23 PM
so I am supposed to sit here and hate life and torture myself because of her stupid rules while she doesn't even really care and refuses to talk to me

darkangel
6:23 PM
lol
6:24 PM
why do you follow her rules?

smw
6:24 PM
it is only this 1 rule really
6:24 PM
that was the point in which she forced me to commit to it
6:24 PM
otherwise she wants me to do stuff but I have never promised to do anything

darkangel
6:25 PM
yeah
6:25 PM
but did she even talk to you about you feeling trapped and what not

smw
6:26 PM
I have said it multiple times over email
6:27 PM
and we kinda discussed it in the beginning of break
6:27 PM
but then she decided that she wasn't going to talk to me over email anymore

darkangel
6:28 PM
yeah i know, but did she say anything during session

smw
6:29 PM
not really
6:29 PM
we discussed me being angry

darkangel
6:29 PM
well, that didnt really get anywhere

smw
6:29 PM
and I discussed how it was her rule and not mine and that it wouldn't apply if I was not with her and she basically just said that she was worried about that and hoped that it would be able to become my own rule/desire

darkangel
6:30 PM
pfft

smw
6:32 PM
so basically it was stupid and pointless

darkangel
6:32 PM
yeah
6:34 PM
oh well
6:34 PM
so what are you gunna do

smw
6:35 PM
idk right now'
6:35 PM
I don't want to really talk to her anymore

darkangel
6:35 PM
yeah i know you dont

smw
6:35 PM
I want to get angry but there is absolutely no purpose

darkangel
6:35 PM
yeah
6:36 PM
shes not listening either
6:36 PM
shes stuck in her own rainbow world

smw
6:36 PM
basically

darkangel
6:36 PM
lol

smw
6:38 PM
I really want to strangle myself but that would just "acting out"

darkangel
6:38 PM
not really
6:39 PM
ud be doing it for ur own reasons
6:39 PM
shes just finding ways to make you stop

smw
6:39 PM
I guess if I do it out of anger it is which is why I have that rule
6:39 PM
but right now I raelly want to do it cuz I just give up

darkangel
6:39 PM
if she associates your behaviour with that of a child, it has a good chance on making you stop

smw
6:40 PM
she does associate it in that way cuz she has this whole "good parent" thing
6:41 PM
and how she thinks I act the way I do because I had to parent myself at a young age

darkangel
6:41 PM
lol
6:41 PM
wow

smw
6:43 PM
she thinks that since children have black and white views and that is why I use punishment to manage myself
6:44 PM
and we had this whole discussion about if I was a parent would I treat a child like I treat myself
6:46 PM
you know, I didn't really think about it but telling me that I am being like a child is a good way to get me to stop

darkangel
6:49 PM
yeah i know
6:49 PM
i think thats the only reason why she said it

smw
6:55 PM
the stupid part is that I feel the need to tell her this crap
6:56 PM
I might wait til Thursday
6:56 PM
see how it goes
6:56 PM
and if not screw it

darkangel
6:58 PM
lol
6:58 PM
sounds exciting

smw
7:01 PM
this way I am technically giving her a chance

darkangel
7:02 PM
havent you already

smw
7:02 PM
yeah, but that allows the whole last chance
7:02 PM
plus I am waiting
7:02 PM
so I am not acting impulsively
7:02 PM
so it isn't just out of anger
7:03 PM
it satisfies my rules

darkangel
7:03 PM
lol ok then

smw
7:11 PM
so now I have a plan

darkangel
7:12 PM
yeah?

smw
7:13 PM
it helps me be less pissed beause now I am just waiting

xxdarkangelzz
7:15 PM
yeah, thats good

smw
7:15 PM
I kinda feel like shit right now

xxdarkangelzz
7:15 PM
how come

smw
7:16 PM
idk, depressed

darkangel
7:19 PM
that sucks

smw
7:21 PM
my shrink who I actually let myself build a "relationship" with and sorta trust her and now she is basically going ot end up killing me

darkangel
7:21 PM
lol that sounds cheerful

smw
7:22 PM
I know
7:22 PM
doesn't it
7:22 PM
well I have until Thursday to accept it

darkangel
7:23 PM
lol
darkangel is idle (7:46 PM)

smw
7:48 PM
so I am actually feeling like craqp
darkangel is no longer idle (7:53 PM)

darkangel
7:54 PM
thats not good

smw
7:54 PM
lol, yeah
7:54 PM
I fucking let myself care so I feel like shit about it
7:54 PM
I am debating if I want to tell her that I want to stop therapy

darkangel
7:56 PM
when would you tell her that tho

smw
7:57 PM
idk, I have been thinking about it
7:58 PM
I am thinking of Thursday morning
7:58 PM
so this way I am telling her before session so it is easier for me but she doesn't have time to do stupid crap
7:59 PM
I will simply say that it is because I don't trust her anymore (which is true) and I see no point in continuing when she is just going ot leave anyways
7:59 PM
which is all true except I am omitting the minor detail that I want to kill myself

darkangel
7:59 PM
yeah
7:59 PM
lol
7:59 PM
minor detail

smw
7:59 PM
actually at the moment I don't really feel suicidal

darkangel
7:59 PM
just pissed

smw
7:59 PM
more of depressed/sad right now

darkangel
8:00 PM
ah ok

smw
8:00 PM
I got over the pissed part by making a plan
8:00 PM
so I am not spinning in circles getiting angry

darkangel
8:00 PM
lol
8:00 PM
ok

smw
8:02 PM
but I don't feel like I really want to die right now
8:02 PM
but I basically feel like she has left me with no other option

darkangel
8:02 PM
yeah

smw
8:04 PM
which is why i am still waiting to see her on Thursday

darkangel
8:04 PM
yeah

smw
8:33 PM
I think I am going to wait until Thursday and then tell her when I get to school

darkangel
8:36 PM
lol
8:37 PM
thats entertaining
8:46 PM
i hate hw

smw
8:46 PM
lol, me too

darkangel
8:46 PM
lol
8:46 PM
hurray

smw
8:46 PM
I don't have a whole lot of hw tho

darkangel
8:47 PM
lol

smw
8:51 PM
I am still thinking about the whole killing myself thing

darkangel
8:51 PM
yeah?
8:51 PM
lol

smw
8:51 PM
idk, I kinda feel bad
8:51 PM
anger is easier to handle

darkangel
8:52 PM
yeah
8:52 PM
ol
8:52 PM
lol

smw
9:12 PM
like its not like I want to live but I am not particularly suicidal at th emoment
Yahoo
darkangel
9:13 PM
yeah
9:13 PM
ur just like "meh"

smw
9:13 PM
yeah

darkangel
9:13 PM
lol

smw
9:14 PM
it is hard that I cared and to some extent I let myself have some hope in order to continue with her and now she is pretty much going to kill me

darkangel
9:15 PM
lol, yeah
9:15 PM
she fucked up

smw
9:16 PM
I know

darkangel
9:17 PM
and shes trying to ignore it and pass it off which is making it worse

smw
9:17 PM
I know
9:17 PM
and I have been trying to reach out

darkangel
9:18 PM
yeah i know

smw
9:20 PM
I have sent her the angry crap
9:20 PM
I was honest about having abandonment issues

darkangel
9:21 PM
yeah i know
9:21 PM
and she blew it off

smw
9:23 PM
I even admitted that I felt like she didn't care anymore

darkangel
9:24 PM
yeah you did
9:24 PM
did she even reply to that part

smw
9:25 PM
nope

darkangel
9:25 PM
lol
9:25 PM
wow

smw
9:25 PM
well she said "I agree, I don't think that any email response I provide will soothe your frustration, anger or conflicted feelings right now."
9:26 PM
which is basically blowing the entire thing off
9:26 PM
then told me to start writing about having abandonment issues

darkangel
9:27 PM
yeah i know

smw
9:35 PM
*sigh* it just sucks

darkangel
9:35 PM
yeah i know

smw
9:35 PM
I feel as though I should write crap if I end up going through with it
9:40 PM
so what do you think the chances it wil happne?

darkangel
9:42 PM
well...considering the way things have been going with her, i dont think she really is going to say anything differently

smw
9:46 PM
yeah, she is probaably going to fail, that is expected but knowing me
9:46 PM
what do you think the chances are

darkangel
9:46 PM
that ull go through with it?

smw
9:46 PM
yeah. I mean I have tried before, threatened plenty of times, decided multiple times that I would do it, etc
9:47 PM
what do you think are the chances that I will actually die in the next week?

darkangel
9:49 PM
i dunno. she may surprise us both and say something different. but really, that depends on how committed you are to doing it

smw
9:52 PM
thats the thing, it is more of doing it because I feel trapped
9:52 PM
I don't really want to do it all that much
9:53 PM
which is why I am kinda depressed

darkangel
9:53 PM
lol
9:53 PM
so you dont really want to kill urself

smw
9:53 PM
meh, I don't want to live
9:54 PM
but I don't particularly want to die3 at the moment
9:54 PM
its more of my usual meh
9:54 PM
like things aren't going all that badly other tahn the shrink making me want to die

xxdarkangelzz
9:54 PM
yeah
9:55 PM
well, then i guess it would depend on how you react to thursday

smw
9:57 PM
yeah, but I don't see any way that she could possibly make it better
9:57 PM
well not so much make it better but give me any other option

darkangel
9:58 PM
yeah
9:58 PM
i dont think she would give you any other choice
9:58 PM
and if you stop counseling like you want to, you know she is going to mention it to someone else and they are going to come after you
9:58 PM
lol, cuz then they will know you are a hazard to urself

smw
9:58 PM
idk, she says that I am allowed to stop
9:59 PM
I asked and she was like "of course"

darkangel
9:59 PM
yeah, but she has also been attempting to convince them that you are safe
9:59 PM
and if they realise its you, and you quit...thats prolly not gunna look good

smw
10:00 PM
well they know it is me
10:00 PM
at least her advisor does
10:00 PM
I don't think she will go to the idiot ppl tho

darkangel
10:00 PM
i dunno

smw
10:01 PM
I am not even sure how much she will even try to convince me to stay

darkangel
10:02 PM
i dunno
10:02 PM
lol

smw
10:02 PM
I am going to email her on Thursday saying that I am seriously considering it being my last session
10:03 PM
but wait til then so she has to make a decision and doesn't really have time to consult with ppl

darkangel
10:04 PM
yeah
10:04 PM
when do you see her thursday

smw
10:04 PM
3 pm

darkangel
10:04 PM
ok

smw
10:04 PM
I have classes from 10-12 then 12-2

darkangel
10:04 PM
ill be at work
10:04 PM
i work 3-8
10:05 PM
but i should have like 1 break

smw
10:05 PM
I'll text you if I choose to try

darkangel
10:05 PM
ok
10:05 PM
ll
10:05 PM
lol
10:05 PM
just delete the text after you send it
10:06 PM
and if you dont do it after you decide to try, just let me know
10:06 PM
and if i dont hear from you, well, i know i have a novel to write
10:06 PM
lol

smw
10:06 PM
ok, I won't say anything at all specific

darkangel
10:06 PM
ok

smw
10:06 PM
would you seriously write a novel?

darkangel
10:06 PM
i think i should
10:07 PM
so you should leave me ur blogs and shit
10:07 PM
lol
10:07 PM
i would do it for fun

smw
10:07 PM
I want ppl to hear it at some point
10:07 PM
but I can't do it unless I somehow live through it and that would be years later
10:07 PM
or if I am dead you can do it

darkangel
10:07 PM
ok
10:07 PM
just leave me the blog
10:07 PM
s
10:08 PM
are ur blogs online or on ur computer?

smw
10:08 PM
the one from high school is online

darkangel
10:08 PM
nifty
10:08 PM
what site?

smw
10:08 PM
bravenet
10:09 PM
I will tell you what to search for right before I do it if it comes to that

darkangel
10:10 PM
lol ok

smw
10:10 PM
if I could use my laptop I would try to put more of it up online

darkangel
10:10 PM
lol, how come you cant?

smw
10:10 PM
the plug on my power cord broke off

xxdarkangelzz
10:11 PM
that sucks
10:11 PM
so are you gettin a new cord?

smw
10:11 PM
yeah
10:11 PM
I have to send it back
10:11 PM
and they will send me a new one
10:11 PM
right now I have Maria's netbook

darkangel
10:12 PM
mkay
10:12 PM
so you havent sent it back yet?
10:12 PM
lol

smw
10:12 PM
I gave it to Maria to send itout today but she didn't cuz she didn't go before the post office closed

darkangel
10:12 PM
lol
10:12 PM
that sucks

smw
10:12 PM
so she is supposed to mail it tomorrow
10:13 PM
I have some of the stuff on my thumb drive because I transfered everything from my documents on there so I could have access to it

darkangel
10:13 PM
ok

smw
10:13 PM
I will try to get more of it online over the next few days

darkangel
10:14 PM
ok
10:14 PM
on that same site?

smw
10:14 PM
yeah, I will add it ot my existing blog

darkangel
10:14 PM
ok
10:14 PM
cool

smw
10:14 PM
I have some of it that is conversations that I have saved

darkangel
10:14 PM
lol
10:14 PM
with who

smw
10:14 PM
mostly you but some w/ other ppl

darkangel
10:15 PM
lol, exciting

smw
10:15 PM
I will obviously get rid of the name

darkangel
10:15 PM
ok

smw
10:15 PM
cuz some of it was stuff I was ranting about or realized when we were talking so I saved it

darkangel
10:16 PM
ah ok
10:16 PM
which happens a lot
10:16 PM
lol

smw
10:16 PM
yeah, but a lot of them haven't been saved
10:16 PM
actually most haven't been saved

darkangel
10:16 PM
lol
10:16 PM
ok
10:16 PM
i remember some of it tho

smw
10:16 PM
thats why you are writing it

darkangel
10:17 PM
lol yup

smw
10:17 PM
I will try to get it online tho because I doubt you will ever be given any access to my comp

darkangel
10:18 PM
yeah prolly not
10:18 PM
especially if i mention why
10:18 PM
LOL

smw
10:18 PM
yeah
10:19 PM
be like "she told me that she could write a book about her if she dies so I need that"

darkangel
10:19 PM
lol
10:19 PM
they would prolly just stare at me

smw
10:22 PM
it would be funny tho

darkangel
10:22 PM
mhm
10:22 PM
most definitely

smw
10:24 PM
I think its fun
10:25 PM
I am highly amused that there will be a book about me
10:25 PM
maybe someone can learn something

darkangel
10:25 PM
lol yeah
10:26 PM
from what i gather there isnt much known about ur type of disorder

smw
10:26 PM
not really
10:26 PM
it has been diagnosed relatively recently
10:26 PM
and has been considered untreatable for quite a while
10:27 PM
just recently they developed the whole DBT thing which "shows promise"
10:27 PM
so I was randomly thinking about the prof that I might do research with and how obsessive he was about suicide prevention in class

darkangel
10:28 PM
lol
10:28 PM
yeah that would go well

smw
10:29 PM
the hardworking, independent, motivated etc student who is looking at a promising research just killed herself

darkangel
10:29 PM
lol
10:30 PM
that sounds funny

smw
10:30 PM
true
10:30 PM
but it is really true
10:30 PM
to a lot of ppl I am a normal student
10:30 PM
I am very motivated
10:30 PM
etc etc etc

darkangel
10:31 PM
yeah i know
10:31 PM
lol

smw
10:32 PM
its amusing

darkangel
10:34 PM
mhm
10:34 PM
most definitely

smw
10:36 PM
I am starting to be less depressed about it

darkangel
10:37 PM
yeah?
10:37 PM
how come

smw3740
10:37 PM
accepting the logic
10:38 PM
plus I am amused by the fact that you would actually write a book

darkangel
10:38 PM
lol
10:38 PM
why wouldnt i? i think that would be very entertaining
10:38 PM
plus ya know, it could be a learning experience for shrinks

smw
10:39 PM
lol, since when did you care about helping the learning experience for shrinks

darkangel
10:40 PM
i dont
10:40 PM
lol
10:40 PM
but it would be funny for those who have had you personally
10:40 PM
who abandoned you
10:40 PM
and then they see this book
10:40 PM
LOL

smw
10:40 PM
lol
10:43 PM
yeah

darkangel
10:44 PM
lol
10:44 PM
that would make them feel like crap
10:44 PM
lol

smw
10:44 PM
soo many ppl have moved in and out of my life
10:44 PM
meh, maybe they will learn something
10:44 PM
some of them I don't care, but there are a few that I would feel bad

darkangel
10:46 PM
lol yeah

smw
10:46 PM
randomly feel dizzy

darkangel
10:46 PM
lol
10:46 PM
awesome
10:46 PM
u eaten toay?
10:46 PM
today*

smw
10:47 PM
yeah
10:47 PM
I am beingt reallygood and just dieting

darkangel
10:48 PM
lol
10:48 PM
nice
10:48 PM
good job

smw
10:57 PM
lo
10:57 PM
lol

darkangel
10:58 PM
yeah

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